This time last year...

I wrote the following post last year on November 1st. What a difference a year makes!

I am about to be a mother. You have got to be kidding me. People keep asking, "are you ready?" like I have any idea what there could possibly be to get ready for, but I say "yes" anyway. But with my scheduled c-section now less than two weeks away, I would like to retract my "yes" statements and replace each one with an emphatic "no." Think about it. Completely responsible for another human being- how can anyone be ready for such a task? My fears include, but are not limited to:
1. What if I drop her?
2. What if she grows up to hate me and blame all of her problems on me?
3. I'm a heavy sleeper- what if I don't wake up in the middle of the night when she needs me?
4. I've never been cut open. Not exactly my idea of a good time.
5. Breastfeeding. Nothing sounds natural or beautiful about it to me.
6. Recovery- I'm worried about having to rely on other people to help me do everything. I'm not exactly the codependent type.
7. Warning, this next fear is shallow. What if she isn't cute? Sometimes two cute people make not cute babies (example Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin from Coldplay)
8. I'm still afraid I might die and leave Danny alone with a new baby. Totally morbid, but a valid fear.
I have heard that the minute I see her, all of the worries will go away and be replaced with new worries as she grows up. Here's hoping that's true.

How funny to read back and remember being 9 months pregnant and scared out of my mind.
I didn't drop her, but I let her fall off the bed.
She is growing up, but she still seems to like me. At least for now.
I quickly turned into a light sleeper and now wish I could revert back to being a heavy sleeper and not wake up in the middle of the night when she cries!!
Being cut open wasn't fun, but they managed to stitch me back up somehow.
Breastfeeding was horrible the first two weeks and a year later, neither one of us are ready to quit. It has become quite natural, although beautiful is a strong word...
Recovery was awful. Any kind of surgery is awful. Add to it a newborn, and it's just plain awful. But I would do it again in a second.
No worries anymore about my child not being cute. Are you kidding me? She is ridiculous. Refer to below picture for proof.

As for my morbid fear, I still think it was valid...

If I only would have known that the baby part isn't scary, it's the parenting part that I'm freaking out about! Someone said last night during Love and Logic that whatever stage your child is in is the best phase. A good reminder for this sad mama planning her daughter's first birthday party...

To wean or not to wean...

Warning:

If you are a male, or I suppose even a female, that is unnerved or bothered by words like breastfeeding, weaning, pumping, or milk supply, you can stop reading now. Or if you are a grandparent who only checks the blog to see pictures of the little miss, know in advance that there are no pictures on this post. I am saving you disappointment, really. You're welcome.

I.

Repeat.

Stop.

Reading.

I knew you really wouldn't stop. But don't say you weren't warned.

I have debated whether or not to blog about what may or may not be a sensitive topic to some readers but then decided that after a clearly posted warning and even a second chance to stop reading, ultimately it's my blog and I'll write about weaning if I want to. (Reference to 60's pop song clearly intended).

To wean or not to wean: this is my question. With Grace coming up on her one year birthday, I have some decisions to make on how our little miss will continue to be fed. I go back and forth on a daily basis. For starters, I don't want to be that mom; you know the one I'm talking about. The mom who has a talking, walking little one who can lift her shirt up and ask for it. Not to offend, but I don't want to be that mom.

I also don't want to be the mom who gives in to social pressure to quit nursing my baby when she turns one just because that is the "normal" thing to do. I love nursing. I will admit it. It is easy cheesey japan-eesy, convenient, free, and I love that it is something only I can do for my child. Especially with the winter months coming up and all of the sickness going around, a part of me wants to get her through this time with the healthiest option. Mostly, I know Grace isn't ready. I have tried the last few weeks to go from five feedings a day to three and I know she hates it. When she is around me, she claws at me and I know she is mad we have gone to three feedings a day. On weekends it is really more like four and a half but I digress...
But a big part of me is ready to stop for what I feel are selfish reasons. Mostly, I want my body back. I want my boobs to be my boobs again, you know what I mean? Feeling like a dairy cow on a daily basis gets old. I have also read and heard numerous times that when you stop nursing you have an easier time losing those last pesky five or ten pounds. That part sounds nice. I am also ready to quit pumping!! Can I get a what what? I have a love hate relationship with that machine and the freedom it affords me to not have Grace attached to my hip all day every day.

I know this can be a touchy topic, but talking it over with a few friends this week made me feel normal. I have friends who were never able to nurse, those who are still nursing their babies at 14 months, those who quit the day their baby turned one, those who have a "no talking or walking rule," and one who is still nursing her two year old baby.
I think mostly I am shocked to be the mom contemplating nursing past a year. I remember the first breastfeeding support group class I went to when Grace was a month old. Moms with babies of varying ages sat and shared about nursing- the good, the bad, and the ugly- and a woman with an 11 month old baby started talking about how she wasn't ready to give up nursing. I remember thinking, "dear Lord, just let me make it past three months. I won't feel like a failure if I can just make it to three months..." and that the woman was crazy. She must be one of those moms, who can't let go, the mother-earth, hippie chickie type that weans her child the day they start kindergarten. I am in her shoes right now and still haven't fully made my decision. I know EXACTLY where she is coming from.
I may change my mind next week, but as of the publish date of this post, I have decided to let Grace decide. (To a point. But don't ask me what that point is. I'm not sure yet. Clearly. Haven't you been reading this post?) To be honest, I am hoping that she makes the decision for me. A lot of my friends said you will know when she is done. Fingers crossed that happens to us. I hope she is before kindergarten...
Your thoughts? I was going to say that I forbade those without mammaries to comment, but if you have made it this far, comment until your heart is content. I am curious to hear what other moms are doing, have done, plan to do...

11 months...sheesh

Eleven months old today. As in, one month away from twelve. And according to popular opinion, twelve months equals one year. Lord, make it slow down.
Time for the monthly update:
She is still cruising along everything, but no walking yet. She will stand on her own for a few seconds at a time and then realizes she isn't holding on to anything and immediately plops down.
For the last month she has been "dancing" and bouncing every time she hears music. It is absolutely adorable. We will say, "bounce, Gracie, bounce!" and she starts bouncing up and down.

She found the tupperware drawer a few weeks ago and I put her inside it for fun. And fun she had.

Yes, it's a cool whip bowl. But it's cool whip lite, mind you.

She started sleeping thru the night again after we left Cleveland last month (she was on hiatus from month 6-9) and it has been wonderful. I think we were laying her down too early- in Cleveland we wouldn't get her to sleep until 9:15-9:45 and she did wonderfully. We kept with that schedule once we got back and it has worked like a charm ever since. She is still taking two long naps a day and I consider myself a blessed mommy to have a few hours a day to get things done.
I realized I never updated on Grace's PDO. After day three, she really seemed to start enjoying it and her daily reports started saying things like, "she is such a happy girl!" and "wonderful day today! she loves to smile!" She is still on a bottle strike while she is there, and naps aren't really her thing, but she is happy and enjoys playing with the other babies, so I feel at ease. She has yet to cry when I drop her off, and we have even added Tuesdays so I can work a bit more. So our schedule right now is M-W until 2:30 at PDO and with Nana on Friday mornings. I have been struggling a bit with balance the last month, but that is another blog for another time.
She learned how to drink from a straw a few weeks ago and now thinks that anyone's straw wherever we go is hers.

She is babbling ma-ma, da-da, pa-pa, n's, b's and g's, but not much else. I work with her on other sounds but da-da is her go to word for everything.
She is eating more table food and loves it. She pretty much eats a modified version of what we eat, and I think she is going thru a growth spurt. My milk supply isn't keeping up with her, and she is still hungry nearly everytime I feed her. Weaning scares and excites me all at the same time, but again, another blog for another time.
She has such a funny little personality. She loves to make people laugh and does this scrunched up smile thing at nearly everyone (she is a hit everytime we go to the grocery store).

She also has a flair for the dramatic and her little spurts of tantrum are over as quickly as they begin. Hard to imagine, I'm sure...

on the cutting room floor

I found several pictures in a folder from the last month or so that I haven't used in recent blogs. They are too cute to keep to myself, so enjoy.
lauging at mama


my, what big creepy eyes you have uncle kyle...



Dan's cousin bought Grace this hat when we were in Cleveland. Are you kidding me? Too stinking cute!



She has decided clothes really aren't her things these days. Just perfect.
Hanging at the Geauga fair.

sick, but smiling.
hanging with aidan

Today

My promises for today...

Today I will not yell "Grace, please quit screaming!"

Today I will not get upset when you grab the phone from me and scream, "mamamama!" into the ear of a very important vendor and then proceed to hang up on them. I will remember how long I waited to hear those words and laugh at your funny personality.

Today when I do the "Gracie dance" and bounce in front of the mirror with you, I will not think about how badly said mirror needs to be cleaned.

Today when someone tells me how beautiful you are, I will say "thank you," and not "I know, right?"

Today I will watch you as you soak in God's world and follow your example to be amazed by the little things.

Today when I nurse you, I will not think about all the other things I have to do. I will revel in this special but very short season we get to spend together.

Today I will spend more time praying for you instead of worrying about you catching the swine flu.

Today I will not cry when I put away your 9 month clothes because you are too long for them. I will be comforted in knowing that God created you to grow and you are growing heathily and beautifully.

Today I am going to tickle you and listen to you laugh, because your laughter reminds me of God's goodness.

Today I will sit on the floor and watch baby einstein with you, because I know you enjoy it. And I will not check my email while it is on. Scout's honor.

Today I will not forget to buckle the second harness on your car seat. yikes.

Today I will run, because I want to model a healthy lifestyle for you.

Today I will give you a reprieve from a huge minnie mouse bow atop your head. But I won't like it.

Today I will soak in every moment with you and feel blessed beyond all comprehension that God made me your mommmy.

Today I will enjoy today, because it will be gone tomorrow.

Dear Daddy

I sure do miss you. Life just isn't the same without you here. Please come home. Mom is great and all, but she is driving me a bit crazy.

In case you forgot how cute I was, here is a reminder:

I took a bath...
I put on my glasses so I could see you coming...

now get here, before I die of complete boredom.

I love you and can't wait to see you tomorrow!

ps. mom says hi.

The pits

I cannot think of much worse than your baby being sick. I used to have little sympathy for people who casually threw around the phrase, "my baby is sick." not so anymore. for the first time in ten months, "my baby was sick," and I threw around the phase expecting everyone to understand exactly how worried and concerned and preoccupied I was.
Grace ran high fever all weekend, getting up over 103, and was the most pathetic, lethargic, sad little baby I have seen. she didn't even feel good enough to grab for the remotes or my cell phone. she had a flu test which was negative, and the dr. determined she had a virus. we are back in the land of the living now and life is continuing as normal, which is wonderful news for this worried mama.

sick and tired of being sick.
well, maybe a little smile wouldn't hurt. it's not like I'm eating or anything...

we took a little walk on Sunday, at the advice of friends who told us to get her out in some fresh air. even in sickness, we must be fabulous.

thank you for the calls and texts and messages to check on her. I will always remember how hard it is to have a sick baby and respond to "my baby is sick" with much more empathy in the future! (on a completely unrelated side note, one should only wear white t-shirts when one's teeth are white and not a shade slightly darker than mother-of-pearl. once upon a time, one had the time and energy to put forth the effort to use crest whitestrips).

mama and the bumblebee

She did it! She said mama on Saturday! We have now moved to babbling the "m" consonant, which is a nice change from the "d" I have been hearing for the last two months!
Her new babylegs make me smile. Here she is channeling her inner bumblebee. Excuse the poor mobile phone quality, my dirty couch, and her diaper that appears to have not been changed all day and is sagging to her knees. That's just how we roll.

Traveling...

Editors note: this post is mostly for family. It has a lot of pictures and not much else. You've been warned.
Whew... we are finally home from what seems like a whole months worth of traveling. We spent a week and a half in Dallas for market and my sister's wedding at the end of August, and last week we were in Cleveland visiting Dan's family for Labor Day. Grace has been such a trooper; between airplanes, 6 hour car rides, being completely off schedule and passed around like a hot potato day after day, I am surprised by her ability to stave off a meltdown.
I will start the everlong group of pictures with Amber and Brandon's wedding.

Alisa, (yes that Alisa) took Amber's pictures. How many different ways can I say amazing?)

My stunning sister.



Grace was one of the flower girls- too cute! She smiled at everyone walking down the aisle and sat quietly in Dan's lap for most of the wedding. Then she danced and mingled until almost 10:30! Such a sweetie.

Grace with her papa.


Last Thursday we flew into Cleveland and stayed thru Tuesday. What a great trip! Dan's family hasn't seen Grace since they flew in last November.
She did amazing on the plane ride there. She was a squirmy worm and we all crammed in one row like sardines, but she did great. The plane ride home, however, was a bit of a different story.


Father daughter moment in the Houston airport. Love the belly hanging over the leggings.

Aunt Cheri holding Grace for the first time since she was born.



Just hanging in front of our favorite store in Ohio. It's like a Dollar General meets United meets Goodwill. Trust me, sounds gross, but you would LOVE it! Grace had a blast on the golf cart. She would squeal and squirm and laugh the whole time.
Hanging with the cousins. Dominic and Aidan had were so sweet with her and Grace LOVED them. She let them hold her and basically followed them around the entire weekend.




On Saturday we went to the Geagua county fair. Grace had a blast there and especially loved squealing at the rabbits.


As fun as all of the traveling was, I must say I am more than happy to be home and back on schedule. I was so stressed about Grace being off schedule and in new places, but she did amazing! She really surprised me with what she could handle, and seeing her have a good time made me relax and realize that it's okay for her to be out of her element. She even slept thru the night three of the five nights we were in Cleveland! (I joked about leaving her there. But I was kind of serious. But I'm just kidding. But kind of serious.) I'm getting this worried mommy thing figured out, slowly but surely.