Recovery and the last four weeks

After four weeks, I feel like I can officially say I am "recovered." The past week has been so much better than the first three and I feel like I am getting back to my old self (in a new, squishy body). I am up more, I am back in the swing of nursing again, and I have finally stopped taking medicine.
For the record, the second c-section was not easier for me and the recovery was not any less difficult than my first. Of course, that may have a little something to do with the fact that less than five hours after my staples were taken out on the day we came home from the hospital, Grace fell headfirst into my right side. My nurse thinks she may have caused a deep tissue bruise and not to be surprised if I always feel a bit "off" on that side. I think the poor girl cried harder than I did and asks me all the time, "Mommy, you feeling okay? You tummy is feeling better?" She is such a sweetheart.
My mom stayed with me the week I was in the hospital until the Monday afterward and was such a big help with Grace and taking care of me. Then my precious sister came out for a week and a half and spoiled all of us completely rotten. She cleaned, she changed nearly every diaper, cooked, took Grace to PDO, got up with Audrey at night so Dan could sleep, and a million other things I could list. She left last Monday and made me wish I could afford a full time nanny! 
I have been so blessed that the store is doing well and I have four AMAZING girls who have taken the responsibility off of me and onto their shoulders. I have not had to worry about a thing and it has been nice to have the last four weeks off of work. I am starting to feel the itch to get back in the swing of things, and I think I may start going up there a few days a week starting next week. I need to have conversation that doesn't include the following words: poop, diaper, schedule, feeding, nursing, pumping, and pacifier. 
One of the hardest parts of recovery was not being able to pick up Grace. At least five times a day I had to tell her "Sweetie, mommy can't hold you right now," and it broke my heart. She had a hard time and it was so difficult for me not to be able to pick up my sweet girl. I have struggled with the guilt that Grace has somehow been neglected in all this and the melt down happened last week. It was about 10 at night, I was feeding Audrey and all I could think about was holding Grace. I went to Grace's room, woke her up and cried while I rocked her. Maybe it was thinking about her not being a baby anymore. Maybe I was feeling sad that I was missing a big part of her growing up with all the attention I was paying Audrey. Maybe my hormones just took hold of my body and turned me into a big sobbing mess of a mommy. It was probably all three, and I rocked Grace in her bed and sobbed while I asked God to teach me how to love these girls like He wants me to love them. I am still figuring out how to divide my attention and finding ways to make Grace feel special during this transition, but every day gets easier. At night when she wants me to rock her and sing to her I know I'm doing at least a little something right.
Most days I feel pulled in two directions, exhausted on a level I have never felt, and completely overwhelmed. The awesome thing is that with all of these feelings comes a love so deep it takes my breath away and reminds me why I wanted so much to be a mother of two.