I'm competitive by nature. It's in my blood.
So I should not have been surprised when the compare and contrast "mommy competition game" landed on my front doorstep about, oh, two days after Grace was born. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
"Johnny is walking and talking and the Dr. said he is the brightest kid he's ever laid eyes on, and I don't want to brag, but really he is...blah, blah, blah."
"Oh really? That's wonderful. Jenny is only three months, but already she's eating steak and potatoes and speaking in full sentences, Italian and French, and I've just about got her potty-trained."
I used to hear conversations like this (well okay, maybe not exactly like this) and think to myself, I will not be one of those moms! But I seem to find myself more and more, especially lately, caught up in the mommy competition.
An acquaintance was going on and on (and on and on) about her little girl and all the new words she was learning, sounds she was making, steps she was taking, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah...
The conversation went something like this.
Me, outloud: "Oh really, that's wonderful!"
In my head: "Grace is in the 97th percentile for height. Ha."
Me, outloud: "Wow! Impressive little girl!"'
In my head: "Grace is awesome. Your child is sub-awesome. She will never reach Grace's full awesome potential."
I couldn't believe what was going on in my mind. Why couldn't I just smile and nod my head? Why did I feel the need to justify my child (to myself, mind you) and throw her poor little girl into my comparison death trap? Competitive, I am, but mental cruelty towards a child (and her insanely annoying mother), well quite honestly, it's just not my style.
Really this all started several weeks ago when I ran into some friends at United who have a little girl about two months older than Grace. L said to A, "Say avocado," and I thought "What the hey?" and then there A goes, "a-ba-ca-do!"
I froze for a second thinking, "Grace, chin up! Sit up straight, and for Pete's sake, quit chewing on my purse and drooling! Oh heavens, why did I put the brown bow on you? You look so much cuter in pink...Say da-da! Say ma-ma! Say anything!!!"
Crickets chirping...
The rest of the United trip I tried to persuade Grace to say "avocado," but to no avail.
This episode, and a few others much like it, have left me wondering where and if I've gone wrong with Grace.
You see, when it was all about comparing percentiles and baby pictures and milestones, we were ahead of the pack, if not right there in the middle of everyone. But as she's gotten older, the comparisons are more about measuring development, language, and personality. And while my child is absolutely adorable and has a very funny personality, she is not exactly saying "avocado" in the produce aisle, if you catch my drift. She's just not ahead when it comes to the language game. A few words and her new French is all we're working with here.
And then I worry that it's because I wouldn't fork over the $200 bucks for your baby can read dvd's. Should I have made flash cards instead of letting her watch Sesame Street? Do I not read enough books to her? Should I actually use the Science Spectrum membership I bought a month ago?
I don't want to be that mom. I want so much to be gracious and caring and to really listen to what I'm hearing, not just wait for my turn to talk about how great my baby is.
With most friends, I can do this. I can listen or read about what is going on with their baby and be excited and compare in the most genuine sense of the word with no worries or competition behind it.
It's the strangers I seem to have trouble with...
The sane, logical, realistic side of my brain tells me not to compare. Grace's development is right on track. What works for us doesn't work for everyone else. Babies develop at such different stages and each child's brain is unique and need not be compared. Don't start this competitive thing so early. There are bigger problems in the world to worry about. It's okay to know in your mind how great your baby girl is and not share that information with anyone who has an ear to listen...
The crazy, insane, unrealistic, (much larger) side of my brain tells me that I should spend $200 on the your baby can read dvd's and then maybe she'd be saying avocado and impressing the pants off of everyone she meets.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who has fallen prey to the proverbial mommy comparison trap...
12 comments:
I know a kid who could read the dvd titles off the shelf by the age of 2. She also used words like, "actually" at the same age. (and used it correctly) She is completely socially inept, and a whiner. and clingy. and probably no one will want to be her friend at school because her mom makes her wash her hands every 5 seconds.
I know another kid who couldn't put together a simple sentence like "I want ball" until 2 1/2. We all thought she might be slow - we worried. Now she is my incredibly bright, awesomely intelligent, spunky niece who gets straight A's in middle school.
There IS no standard. God created us each to be our own individual standard. He did not knit us together in fearless perfection and divine creativity in order for us to be exactly like someone else. Insanity. Grace is the most perfect Grace there could ever be.
(i'm mostly preaching to myself here. we all compare, be it emotionally, physically, spiritually, professionally - it's the devil!)
I do realize that I have no expertise or say in these "calling all moms" blog posts of yours. But I am opinionated and I'm your friend and I care so I speak out - you are stuck with me. :D
OH MY!!! I am seriously reading this going...THANK YOU LORD that I am not the only one who has ever thought this! Its a crazy competitive world out there that we all fall prey to and although it shouldnt matter to us what our child can and cannot do in comparison to others, it does!
I have felt this way in soo many other areas such as how long I breastfed for to having to be a working mom instead of a stay at home mom. I believe that the devil can attack us from soo many directions when it comes to being a parent! Every parent wants to be the best parent as well as have their child be the BEST! During moments of comparison, I have found rest in knowing that my children are deeply loved and cared for by God,Coby and I...and that is MOST important!!! It is not important when they will do this and that but that they feel loved and cherished!
Unfortunately it doesnt get easier as they get older, I am afraid its just going to get worse! So I dont have any magical answer to solving this competitive problem, bc I am right there with you! All I know is that children are a gift from the Lord and special no matter when they reach developmental milestones! God made Grace absolutely perfect and exactly how he wanted her to be!
Tell Grace, you just keep your mommy smiling no matter if you can talk or not!!! =)
Think about how proud you will feel when she does so all these things!!
Unfortunately, I think all of us mommies fall victim to this. We're so proud of our little miracle and rightly treat them as if they are the first miracle out there. I had/have a huge struggle in realizing that other babies are also just as miraculous as mine. I think its just another outlet for the devil to play on our insecurities. I think I'm an awesome mom...but my friend's baby can say five words more than Maggie, is she a better mom? Crap. What is she doing that I'm not?? Alisa is so right. There is no standard--even though all our books, websites and friends/family may state otherwise. You are an awesome Mommy and Grace is precious. You're not alone in your competitive battlefield...however, you are braver than most to admit it.
Girl, are you reading my mail! Yes, I have dealt with this too. Your daughter, can what? Name all the presidents and you gave birth yesterday to her?
I totally understand this post. I keep reminding myself that people said my sister and I would be "slower" to develop and sometimes mentally because we were twins and were born 6 weeks early. And I also try to remind myself that all babies learn to walk and all babies learn to eat and all babies learn to talk...Bella still does NOT like a sippy cup and certainly can't say avacado. So, I've definitely had those thoughts too. Thanks for being so honest about it. I've actually been thinking about posting something similar and may do it now! I feel at times that I'm not reading to Bella as much as I need to or i'm not giving her all she needs because I work and don't spend every waking hour with her. (I LOVE those breaks too...I just don't tell certain moms about that since they seem to think stay at home mommies are the only way to go). I have a great friend/mentor in SC that is a PhD researcher with two kids 18 months apart...they are both in daycare and she is super busy. But they are doing great and are well mannered and developed fine without her there every waking minute. So, she's my inspiration when I start feeling inept.
Thanks again for the transparency. I wish you were closer...
For starters, once again thank you for being brave enough to voice what all mom's are thinking....whether they all admit to it or not. I agree with all of the comments, but when you think about it....weren't you hard on yourself (I know I was) even about not losing my baby weight as fast as other moms. I don't know why it is human nature to compare, but it is. And our child, in our eyes, will never be topped....and I hope all moms DO feel that way. It is MY job as a mom to never feel as strongly about another child as my own....that sounds demented, but that's what Mom's are for.
Miss Grace is perfect as she is. Brooke talked early....but you know what...she walked late, so yes I was panicked about all of the other kids running around and Brooke was still scooting. All in their own time. You will feel the same way about learning letters, potty training, hair growth, and every other mommy thing imaginable. Who knew being a mommy was such hard work?!
And in response to your sweet friends comments below about stay at home mom vs. working mom. I really wish ALL moms would cut other moms a break and realize what every person decides is right for them might not be right for everyone. I have never felt more judged by other mothers than I do in this regard. It's as if someone loves their child less if they choose differently. I know kids on both sides of that spectrum and you know what....it all turns out fine in the end when they have good parents backing them!
Keep up the good work Ashley, you are an awesome mom.....
Umm.. hi... I don't have a baby. But I have a little white doggie I treat like a baby...
And I do this with her comparing other people's dogs and their training (I think Daisy is VERY clever)!!
I can't imagine the temptation in motherhood. Ride the wave! It must be nature's way of instilling pride in the herd/tribe or whatever.
And.. I'm back!
I gave you the Lemonade Stand Award because I love reading your blog! Check it out on today's post!
Ah, yes, the comparison trap. It's ridiculous but we are all guilty. In the culture where I live folks don't just think it they say it outloud all the time! I spent so much time early on doing what I thought others thought I should do, instead of enjoying my child and just being content. I still feel like this so much and have to let it go and just try to make the best decisions I can. I never understood what people were saying about "mommy guilt" until I had a child! You are precious and obviously a fabulous mother. Grace is so blessed. Thanks for your transparency.
I think you took the thoughts and words right out of most of our heads! Very well said!!
ok, so one million people already commented, but i just had to share my kiddos. makenna was NEVER on the growth chart, labeled failure to thrive, and didn't get into a booster seat until she was 6, yet was saying some words at 5 months and never looked back. she was a walking/talking complete sentences tiny little girl by age one. tracen was average on charts, yet was at least 3 mos behind on everything. didn't even sit up until 9 mos, didn't crawl until 12,didn't walk until 17mos, and didn't talk until 23mos. 2 kids, same parents, same levels of interaction, and yet 2 VERY different outcomes. today both are perfectly wonderful. makenna is even considered a little tall for her age (amazing) and tracen is smart in ways i never even thought of at his age. with makenna i felt like i always had to defend her stature and health, and with tracen i always had to defend his mental capacity and gross motor skill level. i worried, freaked out, went for testing, nearly had to get therapy for them, but they are ok. soooo, yes, it is completely normal to bow up and get defensive, and yes, it is completely normal to worry. but no, we should not let it consume us. you said it in such a great way. your kid is your kid, and your kid will do what she wants to do when she wants to do it, and if we need to add some help along the way, we, as parents, will. grace is perfect, and y'all are doing an amazing job with her!!!!
This is so very true and somedays I literally will beat myself up all day thinking that I have failed my children somehow. Beautifully said, and I wish there was a cure for my insanity as a mother ;)
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