moving on...

Note: After reading back through this post I realize how disjointed it is. But that is how the last three and a half weeks have been. Completely disjointed.

I cannot believe it is about to be July. I have completely lost this month.
Life is returning to normal and for that I am grateful. There comes a point in grief when you say, "I can't feel like this anymore," and prepare to move on. I am at this very point. I find myself ready to move on, hoping for good things and ready to leave the bad behind. I don't feel numb anymore. I am laughing and engaging in conversation and caring and feeling again which is a wonderful thing. Numbness has been a horrible thing for me to feel. I would rather feel pain than not be able to feel anything, but I spent a good two weeks not caring about much.
Most days I am fine and actually worry that I am not doing this whole grieving thing right but there are moments of sadness that hit me so deeply it takes my breath away. I had a meltdown while we were in Cleveland and I was talking with Beth. It hit me that I was supposed to be 12 weeks and I completely lost it. It hit me when I saw the positive pregnancy test on the bathroom counter, hidden behind my toothbrush holder. It hits me sometimes when I look at Grace and see so clearly what we lost. It hits me when I start trying to write my thank you notes for all the kindness people showed us after we found out. (Long sigh....)
But more moments than not, I am okay and feel back to normal. I can see the world moving and I move right along with it. Grace has been such a source of joy for me. She is learning and saying so many funny things right now (more to come on this in the next post!) and has started giving hugs voluntarily. This came at the perfect time. Dan has been amazing and has let me figure out how to work through all of this. He has prayed with me and for me, let me cry at the most odd times, reminded me to eat (trust me, this has never happened before!), and reassured me of all the good times in store for our family. Through God's grace we are closer through this and not farther apart.
Spiritually I am feeling more. I can see God's hand in this, taking care of us and walking with us. Someone said something to me that has meant more than I can ever explain. She simply told me that God knows what it is like to lose a child, too. Something in that truth has made me feel like I am not alone, even in the moments when satan wants me to believe this lie. I know God is good and I know He cried with us. Right now, that is enough.
Thank you so much to our precious friends and family who have walked through this with us. You have made this so much easier and I am grateful that during such a dark time you were a light for us.
Hopefully we will have good news very soon. I saw the Dr. last Monday and my numbers are where they need to be and we are able to start trying again. What a blessing!
Enjoy the next barrage of posts about the princess!