Maybe this wouldn't be such a problem if God didn't count patience as one of the fruits of the spirit, but alas, he does, and therein lies my problem. I desire so much to posess the qualities of a disciplined, dedicated Christian, but this area leaves me with much to be desired. Especially as it pertains to waiting on God's timing.
Many of you know that we have been trying to have another baby since Grace was about ten months old. While I realize that means we haven't been trying long, you other mothers know that when your heart is ready to be a mommy, whether it is for the first time or the fifth time, you are ready now and it is difficult to wait. I hate cliche' answers to life's big problems, but in this case I know the cliche' is true: God's timing is perfect. Trying to reconcile this with my patience deficiency (or complete lack thereof) has proven to be difficult, especially when I thought I was pregnant last month. For three weeks I held out hope that just maybe we were, but five negative tests later, I laid it to rest. Now we are waiting until May to try again (it's a long explanation that has to do with the store and Christmas help) and I can feel the impatience creeping up in my heart again. I want to be patient, I want to rest in the comfort of knowing that God knows what is best for our family, God's timing is perfect, and when it is time again, He will bless us with another baby. These are all things I believe but find hard to hold onto in my impatient moments.
On top of all that, I feel selfish. I have a beautiful, perfect, healthy baby girl who absolutely lights up my world.
Why then am I so impatient with a heart that seems unwilling to wait on God's timing?
I am praying for patience right now, which most of you know can be an incredibly scary thing because that may actually mean God will give it to me and teach me other difficult lessons in the meantime. Like how to fully rest in Him. How to walk by faith and not by sight. How to say "God is good all the time," and mean it. How to watch friends lose babies or try for years unsuccessfully to get pregnant and still know deep in my heart that God is in control even when things don't make sense. These are the things God is teaching me right now and while I can admit (a bit embarrassed) that I am not enjoying it, I know I will come through on the other side deeper in Christ and hopefully with a measure more of patience.
8 comments:
Exercising patience, when it comes to having a baby, is so, so hard. And it's so totally out of our control and that makes it even that much more difficult to handle...at least for me it does.
We got pregnant with Caedmon totally unexpectedly while I was on birth control. Then, when we decided to TRY and get pregnant with Presley...it took over a year! And now I'm pregnant with a third and it was a total surprise pregnancy. Apparently, it's just something that is totally out of my hands and that's REALLY hard to deal with!
Lot's of prayers for your patience (and sanity)!
This must be on lots of hearts right now. It was the topic of our girl's night last night...you're not alone in this struggle, friend. And oh how I wish I didn't understand this "character flaw." God's timing is right and perfect; however, it is so hard to grasp His reasoning sometimes. I take comfort in knowing that the most precious creature God has given me was a total surprise and never planned. I pray that in seeking patience God puts a peace in your heart...for me, that peace is my greatest ally against impatience.
Girl, do I feel like I could have written this post or what. I so understand when you were talking about when a mom decides to be a mom again, you are just ready. So I won't say that it's all in God's timing or God's in control or (partly because I can't whole heartedly say that)...i'll just say I understand! Love you,
Emily
I understand too. When I decided that I was ready to get pregnant, the reality that it might not happen or might not happen on MY time was scary. I am not patient when it comes to my desires either. We didn't wait long to get pregnant this time, and I am thankful, but I do fear that it will not be my timing in the future.
We waited 13 months and a miscarriage for Mailey baby...and it was hard. I felt all the same things...am I sure god said have another one?...we have 2 amazing kids and some have none...I cannot have another emergency delivery like Tracen...I am way too old for this...on and on. Being on this side of things has allowed me to just delight in this little girlie and to cherish my bigs even more. I'm also grateful for the patience lesson and for being able to relate to those who are waiting and waiting for a child. Praying (patiently) for y'all! ;)
Will send extra prayers up for you Ashley. Unfortunately you too are human, I have yet to meet a truthful mom that has said she never felt this way....
I went through the same thing when trying to get pregnant the second time. I was so impatient and would become frustrated and worried that it would never happen. I love how you are so real and honest with your blogs. It feels good to see other mom's that struggle and go through the same things. Makes you feel more human. :) Hang in there and God has a plan.
I am right there with you. It's one of the things I most despise about myself. Uh.
Just stopped by to say hello !!!
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