(I wanted this post to be a little more cheery, but I would rather be real about my stressed out state than pretend everything is perfect!)
Oh my, the day is finally here. Some days I feel like this pregnancy has flown by and other days I feel like I have been pregnant for two years. Tonight it feels like it has flown by. I haven't had a melt down yet, but the tears are right behind my eyes ready to burst forth at any minute. This pregnancy is a stark contrast to my pregnancy with Grace. Starting at 12 weeks, I have experienced the most stressful six months of my life. Most of it had to do with the store and the new bridal show business I bought but the stress made the pregnancy stressful. I have felt like a broken record every night for the last several months when Dan asks how I'm feeling. I have had so much cramping, contractions, spotting, and overall not-goodness that I am ready for this part to come to an end.
I am stressed and have a lot of fear and trepidation about tomorrow. I am fearful that things aren't going to go smoothly, that something will be wrong with her, that I will lose too much blood, that my body won't handle the surgery well. I am remembering the pain, the spinal block, the bleeding, the air bubbles in my shoulder, and how much it hurt just to cough or sneeze. I am trying to remember the first moment I heard Grace cry, the joy of seeing her bundled up for the first time, our first time nursing... I know that all of this outweighs the bad and the pain is temporary, but while the pain is temporary, it is most imminent and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
I am also worried about Grace and her little world that is about to be rocked. I wonder how she will deal with a new baby and the shift of focus that is inevitable. I am sad that she isn't going to be the "baby" anymore. People keep asking how she is doing and if she is ready to be a big sister. Right now she knows that Audrey "Cake" is coming out of mommy's belly tomorrow and that doctors are going to take her out. She knows she will be a big sister and that Audrey is going to sleep in her old crib (although she really wants her to sleep in her big girl bed with her). I have fallen in love with Grace even more this week, thinking of how she will be such a big helper and has the most tender heart. I know she will be an amazing big sister, I just want the transition to go smoothly for her.
I hope I sleep tonight. I am praying specifically for peace and at least a few hours of rest. I am praying my doctor has steady hands and a clear mind tomorrow. I am praying for my sweet Gracie girl and her new role. I am praying for our new family of four and that God would make my heart more excited than fearful! I am praying for my friend Jen, who will have her c-section immediately following mine with the same doctor.
Thank you for all the sweet calls and texts today. I want to talk about how excited I am but my heart is heavy right now and I just want this stressful journey to have a happy ending. I will say that thinking about the fact that my sweet baby girl will be in my arms tomorrow (and not beating me up inside!) does make me incredibly happy. Here's praying that all goes smoothly tomorrow and our sweet baby girl makes an easy and graceful entrance into the world! We are ready to meet you, Miss Audrey Kate.
